IMMORTAL DOUBT

Posted: September 15, 2012 in Uncategorized

     In my book Immortal Beauty, the main character struggles with the idea that she has lived many other lives before this one. There is a moment in the book where the past and the present collide and she questions who she truly is. If I had been here before, how much of that other personality still exists within me today? I have a terrible fear of anything too tight around my neck. If a necklace or a shirt or a tie is too tight I panic and end up ripping it off my body and tossing the offending article as far away from me as possible. Is this because my neck was chopped off in a former life, or was I a slave wearing a tight collar? I start to question the things that have no answers. I personally do not like the idea of coming back around and around again like recycled plastic. I like the philosophy that arises out of the reincarnation belief. We don’t have to get it right the first time, that would be too much pressure. We can come back and fix things or if we were terrible in one life we could be kind and selfless in the next. This dogma allows a sense of justice that if someone was a monster in this life, he would come back and get his karma kicked! Like all theories and dogma, it explains many of the chaotic and inexplicable events that occur in this crazy mortal life. I was taught that my reward would come in heaven and if I didn’t get it all in this life, I would get it in the afterlife if I was a good boy. I like the idea that there is only one me, wich is probably just my ego yawning and stretching before it unleashes the claws, but I am not sure I like that I am not just me. I am the sum total of all the lives I had lived before. I am just another version of me, trying to make meaning out of the madness. Sasha rejects her pasts and is angry that she just can’t be herself because in this life she has it pretty good. She doesn’t want to be a samurai assasin from long ago, or a pampered member of the upper class right before the French revolution. She doesn’t want the memories of life after life invading her lovely Parisian existence. She just wanted to be the young American girl that made her way in this world by herself. She rejects her pasts which creates conflict within herself and with others around her. It is not until she fully accepts who she is and who she was that I believe she becomes really interesting and absolutely admirable.

The idea for Immortal Beauty came from my own inability to accept my past in this life, if not in my other lifetimes. I had a lot of things happen in my life that I would not accept and until I accepted them and even thanked them, was I able to move on with my life. The book was my own attempt to find peace within myself from acceptance of the most difficult thing in the world to accept: The Self. I am what I am. It’s not just  a song! Until I was willing to accept all that I had been, the good, the bad, and the ugly, I was not able to move on and found myself stuck in behavioral cycles that I was not thrilled with yet unable to change. Once I realized I was a mere mortal and not the super demi-god that my ego would have me believe, I was able to accept my mistakes and my darkness before I could truly move into my own light. I am still on the fence when it comes to reincarnation but I love the idea that we have the time and the space to make our mistakes and learn from them and carry on and start all over again: tabula rasa. We are washed clean. Now my horrid past seems amusing at times when I look back and realize I truly am not the person I was, and that I had a big part in this new creation of the self. I believe we are formed and shaped by our environment and our genes and that these are the first programs downloaded into our psyches before we develop natural firewalls. I used to fight like my parents fought until I learned a different way to argue. Now I spend much of my time deleting programs that no longer serve a healthy function in my life. I believe my life has been a classroom and I am learning something new everyday. This biggest thing I learned on this recent journey to accept my past that the hardest thing and the most important thing was to accept and forgive myself. I am, thankfully and gratefully only human! I don’t know if I have what it takes to be an Immortal! Only time will tell!

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